What Hurts the Most
by slowgin
Summary: Based on the song. Catherine is having a good cry.


This is my first fanfic. I've been reading it for so long but have not written anything. Then I heard this song and thought it might be a good place to start because I could see it. Please read and review, but be kind. But I do want to hear your honest thoughts. Thank you. I don't own any of it but like everyone else here, I want to take them out and play.

Oh, and this happens around season 10, episode 1-3

**The Artist: ****Rascal Flatts****  
The Song: ****What Hurts The Most****  
**

Catherine Willows shoved her door open and almost fell into her house; she was in such a hurry to get inside, to find shelter, not only from the pouring rain but the clouds and storm inside of her. She collapsed onto her couch, glad that Lindsey wasn't there. And then the rain came, her rain, her tears.

She was happy to see Sara, really, she was. Catherine had missed the younger woman's sense of purpose and strength of mind. And she had been happy to hear about Grissom, where he was and what he was doing now. Oh, they'd exchanged a few e-mails but Gil had been as enigmatic as ever, dropping a few clues but no real information. And now she knew; Gil had gotten married, to Sara. Sara and Gil…married. Catherine was still trying to wrap her mind around that one. So it was real, without a doubt; he was gone. And he wouldn't be coming back, not to her anyway.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me_

She had carried on after he left, taken the reins at the lab and become the leader; taken care of his shift for him, again, as she had done so many times before but for shorter periods of time. But it had been surreal.

But she had put up a good front, almost believing the pretense that everything was okay, that she was okay. But when she was alone, when there was no one to pretend for, she let it out.

She had known, that night when they were on the strip and he'd commented about upping the ante. She had wrapped her arm through his and pretended that it was she that he was talking about, but she had known the truth. She had hoped it would take him longer to figure it out, though. But he had thought it through and had decided. And his decision had ripped her heart out. But she had known that it was inevitable and so had prepared herself. She was proud of the show she'd put on, smiling and encouraging, supportive. After all, she did want him to be happy. But she couldn't seem to stop asking the question, "Why can't you be happy with me?"

They had been so close for so long. Oh, they'd drifted apart for awhile but then after Sara left the first time, he'd let her back in, given her hope. And she had thought…well, it didn't matter what she'd thought; except now it hurt.

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

It had taken her awhile to realize what she really felt for him. They had danced around each other for so long, moving closer and then backing away, only to move closer again. By the time she realized just how much she wanted him, he was with another. At first, she hadn't known it was Sara but she had known there was someone. She'd been careful not to pry, hoping that it turned out to be another scare and then she'd be there for him.

But then Sara had been kidnapped and the truth had come out. And once it was out, he was more intense than ever, afraid to let the brunette get far away. But she had run away anyway. And who'd been there for him? But it hadn't been enough, never enough. And then Warrick…and Sara came back, only to leave again. That had angered Catherine, that Sara had hurt him so, again.

And then he left.

So she went through the motions, going to work, hanging out with what was left of "the guys." If she could just go back in time…tell him…maybe, just maybe…

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

They had been so close, once. Oddly, they had grown closer again just before he left which made it all the harder when he left. And while she was glad he was happy, it hurt. If only she had told him, if only he'd seen. She loved him.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

He stood at the airport, undecided. He really should go to the townhouse to talk to Sara, to tell her what he had come to say. He'd tried; he really had and for awhile they had been happy, might be happy still. Except she left…again. And something inside of him had broken.

Oh, he'd agreed to her departure, knowing that there was no point in arguing. But it had hurt. How was she able to go back to the place where she couldn't stay, not even for him? How could she go back to the job that had torn her apart? Why could she go back now and couldn't stay before? It seemed she was always running from him, just as he'd run from her for so long.

She'd returned, for a week and it had been miserable. He'd put up a good front, pretending to be happy with her there, but it had hurt. And then she left and he broke.

He made his way to the rental counter and secured a car. Once he had loaded his suitcase he headed out, intending to go to the townhouse, but the car turned right when it should have gone left. And before he knew it he was at another house, Catherine's house.

_  
What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say…__  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

He had loved her for so long; he'd forgotten when it began. It was simply a part of him. But he hadn't known what to do about it. She frustrated him at times, infuriated him at others, and brought immense happiness whenever she smiled at him. He smiled as he drove, remembering how she kept him off balance, how she challenged him to be more open, how she was always there when he needed her.

Yeah, he'd loved her but genius that he was, he hadn't seen it. Instead, he'd fallen for Sara, who challenged his mind but not his emotions, at least, not like Catherine did. And then…there was always her tush. Gil chuckled to himself as he realized one of the things he had missed the most since leaving Vegas was watching Catherine walk away. That had always given him a thrill.

… _I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken…_

The knock on the door was soft but she heard it. Wiping away her tears, she made her way to it, slowly opening it to find Gil standing there, totally unexpected. She felt the smile that lit her face as she looked into his clear blue, but very bashful eyes.

And he just stood there, giving her that look, the one that said he didn't know what to do next.

"Gil?"

"I um, just arrived…from Paris. And I wanted to see you."

"But Sara…"

"….is at the townhouse, probably. But I..."

She reached for him, grabbing his hand and pulling him in. "What's going on, Gil?"

He looked at her, that pouty, puppy dog look that always tugged at her heart. "I…Sara and I...I came to tell her that it's over. That there is someone else…"

Catherine frowned. "Someone else?" It didn't make sense.

"She left me again, Catherine. In…in baseball, three strikes and you're out."

"This isn't baseball, Gil."

"No, it isn't," he said quietly.

"Sooo….?"

"I tried, I really did but something wasn't right. Something kept bothering me and then she came back here and…I realized that it seemed wrong that she could come back now but couldn't stay to be with me before."

"Okay…"

"And then I realized that when I left, I left something very important behind, something that I miss terribly."

Catherine tilted her head slightly, trying to understand. "What?"

His face softened, tenderness encompassing his features as he looked at her. Something in his eyes lit, but then dimmed as fear overtook them. "You."

She wanted to jump into his arms, hold him, and declare her love but she hesitated, her feet remaining glued to her spot. "I won't be the other woman, Gil."

"No,…no, I don't want you to be. But after I talk to Sara, after things are…settled, do you think maybe…"

Catherine stood frozen in her place, her emotions threatening to explode.

_I am so close to what I want.  
And I have so much to say.  
Now I might know…  
Maybe it could be…  
loving you is what I will do._

And then she answered. "Yes."


End file.
